Heart.

Every time you leave, a part of me goes with you. I don’t think I will ever get what I want, but I can’t give up. This hurt is easier than letting go. I love you, still.

I miss you so much it hurts.

Confession time

There’s always those things you enjoy doing that are really gross but give you a lot of satisfaction. Here are some of mine.

• blowing my nose really hard when I’m sick and getting a full tissue.
• then looking at it.
• popping pimples. Probably on everyone’s lists.
• cleaning something really dirty and seeing the shiny result. Like bleaching things.
• picking at scabs.
• a really good vacating of the insides, if you know what I mean.
• bending my elbows really far forward. It freaks people out and makes my arms look dislocated.
• cleaning out my ears and getting a good result.
• peeing in the shower and pretending I’m a boy and can aim it.

I may be a bit of a freak. Anyone else?

Currently going on in my life

Currently reading – book 2 of Game of Thrones. So damn good.
Currently eating – less carbs, more iron, more veggies.
Currently drinking – earl grey tea.
Currently lusting after – Dior Show New Look. MAC eyeshadows and eyeliners.
Currently missing – cuddles and protein powder.
Currently watching – my short funny shows. 30 Rock, Community, Parks and Recreation, New Girl.
Currently loving – getting back into my gym routine. The potential that surrounds me in my house and my future.
Currently hating – the sinus/chest thing I’ve got going on. Difficult boys. Having no stuff in my house and a lack of direction in my life.
Currently stressing – money. Need more than what’s coming in lately. Feel like my bank account is haemorrhaging.
Currently enjoying – house to myself, dead silence except for the wind outside. Not too cold yet and enjoying a peaceful day where I didn’t have to leave the house.

Instinct

There are three instincts – your head, your heart and your gut.

Your head tells you what is logical, what you should be doing, the most practical and safest option, the one that is geared towards protecting you and maximising your stability.

Your heart, it’s that part that makes you love someone, who’ll continue to pursue something well after it stops being worth it, that part of you that makes excuses for someones bad behaviour. The part of you full of passion, that wants only the greatest story, to be big, to shine bright. Your heart instinct is the most pure and the most hurtful part of you. If you listen to your heart, you can get great things, but you can also bring great pain on yourself.

Your gut instinct is that little voice that gets so often ignored. That imprecise feeling of something being off, something being not quite right but you don’t know why. It is the keeper of red flags to wave at you, those red flags that your heart will so often ignore. Your gut also tells you what’s right. That feeling of something being how it should, that you are where you belong. You often can’t explain it, it just feels right. Or wrong.

My heart instinct is too strong. I want too much to be loved, I’m forgetting myself along the way, and the other ways I can fill my heart. My recent thing with a boy shows just how much my heart instinct is off, I ignored my gut instinct telling me something was off, and then I got hurt. And in hindsight I can see the flags, I can see how it all fits. His reasons, his plans, his future, those flags are all waving in hindsight. Some things, I mentioned to him, and he provided adequate reasoning. My head has been too quiet. My life is just quietly going on, still working at the same job, not bringing as much vibrancy and extra to my life as I should be. It’s lost in the details and drudgery of day to day, I’m not thinking as big as I should.

The lesson I have learnt this month is to listen to my gut instinct. It will save me heartache, it will take care of me and between my gut and my head, I should be able to get back on track. My heart needs to shut down for a while, to stop being focussed on gaining love from someone else, to empty out and be refilled with my own passions, my own desires and not the love and desire of and for another person. I am better than that and I deserve more from my life.

 

Thoughts

I have been working a lot. Working out a lot. Went on a date with a boy. Met another boy over the weekend. Waiting for a text or a call.

Something has been feeling off. My stress levels are high, I don’t feel at ease and I can’t place what it’s from. I’m thinking maybe work and job hunting. Because my work is closing for refurbishment soon, I need to find a new job, and I don’t want to move on to another hospitality/retail job. I want to start my career but I’m having very little luck so far. And work ethic/care is low at work. Most have become quite lazy, wasting time and mucking around. I am still giving my best, and I find it difficult to work alongside people who I value as friends, but aren’t putting any effort into their job. And there is nothing I can do about it. I guess I’m experiencing a sense of powerlessness in my life at the moment. I’ll find another barista job very easily, but I don’t want to keep doing that.

In a month or so, I’ll be changing my hair colour. Redder. Warm for winter.

I’ve been cooking more. I feel better and have better workouts when I put good fuel in my body. I’ve lost centimetres off everywhere. Gaining muscle, so my weight is at the higher end of its normal variations, which can be difficult to wrap my head around. I’ve always had these numbers in my head of what is acceptable for my body, if I am 50kg or under I am skinny and that is good, and over 50kg is bad. And I’m about 53kg now. but my measurements are probably closer to what I would have been at 48kg.

I will do a progress update of my 2012 goals every three months. So at the end of March I’ll do a recap of that.

Balance seems to be difficult to achieve lately. But all I can do is to keep trying, and keep doing things that enrich my life and my person and hopefully, things will settle down and I will have a greater sense of peace again.

Chickpea and sweet potato patties

This afternoon, I’ve had a few hours between finishing work and my personal training appointment tonight. So I decided to test out a recipe I’ve had sitting around for ages, but haven’t had time to make yet. And since cooking new recipes is on my goals for this year, today was a good time to start!

I made some chickpea and sweet potato patties, recipe can be found here. I used half as much onion and regular cheese instead of parmesan. I’ve discovered that I really love sweet potato, even more than regular potatoes. And chickpeas. I’ve been eating less and less meat recently, and dairy as well. I’ve switched to having soy milk in my coffee at work, and even in my cup of tea it’s actually quite nice, although I’ve heard a lot of people hate it with tea. Too much dairy makes me feel sick, I haven’t been tested for lactose issues and I doubt I’d be diagnosed with anything, I am just eating in a way that makes me feel good. I had a piece of cheesecake over the weekend and I spent the night feeling sick from it, even though it was delicious. So my eating habits have become a lot more vegetarian/vegan, and I’ve been cutting back on things that are high in gluten (the noises my stomach makes when I have white bread – you’d think I was starving for a week the way it growls!). I feel better when I have less dairy and gluten in my diet, so that is how I am trying to eat. I’ve never been a fan of red meat, and that left me eating a lot of chicken. Chicken is both expensive (compared to chickpeas/lentils/etc) and when I think about it, I don’t like the idea of eating flesh, but I don’t consider myself vegetarian (yet). So since I am single and only have myself to cook for, I decided to experiment with alternatives to chicken in my food. Chickpeas in green curry are amazing. I’ve cooked it twice with chickpeas and both times have been fabulous, better than having actual chicken in it. So how could two of my new favourite foods together go wrong?

This recipe has both gluten and dairy in it, but in small amounts, which I can tolerate. It could quite easily be made vegan by substituting or eliminating the cheese. These patties were so amazing,they reheat really well and I ate them as a meal for lunch at work with some sweet chilli sauce. Definitely making these again, but next time with some spices or curry powder added for a bit extra kick.

Simple

Sometimes, all you need to be truly happy is a comfortable chair, a nice breeze, a good book and a cat or two. That is my day today.

Memories

My heart has been hurting more lately. There are so many memories of him and us from this time last year. Christmas at his parents. My first Christmas away from my mum. Meeting his extended family. Making a gingerbread house with his sister. Being part of it, feeling like this family would be my family too. Driving in the pouring rain with his brother in law and sister to get to his parents house, the kind of rain that’s so heavy you can’t see anything even with the windscreen wipers on as fast as they go. Being scared but trusting his confidence and skill and knowing he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. Knowing that soon, we’d be living together, it would all be falling into place, my forever was here and this was it for me. My life was set and I was happy with him and it was right.

In hindsight, I know now he started pulling away then. It changed and I think slowly, he started to feel he wasn’t ready, I wasn’t what he wanted, and it would only be a few short months before he shattered my heart.

The memories of him and us have been swimming in my head. They force themselves in and my heart hurts for what was, that it’s now so different and I’m back in a place of uncertainty, who will share my future, will I find it again? My heart hurts because he feels nothing for me, he wants my friendship, but that’s it. That yeah, I’m alright but I’m not the best, not the one he wants forever, that he couldn’t bear to not have in his life.

It just hurts and I miss what it was, that special feeling and knowing I am loved and safe and having that someone there.

I know with time it will get better, it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to, and I know I’m not ready to move on, I have far too much to do and discover for myself right now, to grow into myself and be secure, happy and confident. I just wish the process would go faster, that my heart would stop hurting, that I could have that light, free feeling in my chest again, that my memories would leave me alone.

Goals and accomplishments

Inspired by this post, here is mine.

Eff yeah list!

• Finished my thesis
• Moved house
• Got myself onto good meds (Pristiq)
• Learnt how to make good coffee and got employee of the month in November
• Survived the most devastating and unexpected breakup of my life
• Slowly discovering that being single doesn’t completely suck and isn’t all that bad

My word for 2012 is confidence. I want and need to be more confident and assured in all that I do. I need to be confident I am a good person and that I deserve happiness and to explore what makes me happy, and have the confidence to do so. I need to be confident in who I am and what I stand for, and figure out those things on my own, rather than as part of a couple. I want to be confident being on my own. I’ll be starting to look for a “real job” next year as I just graduated, and confidence is a big selling point in getting a job. No one will hire me if I don’t believe in myself.

Life buckets
Friends

• Make more friends
• Improve the relationships I have
• Be kind and open to people

Family

• Reconnect with my cousins, aunts, uncles
• Maintain the good relationships I have with my mum and brother
• Become better friends with my brother’s girlfriend

Food

• Cook at least four times a week
• Try at least two new recipes a month
• Go out to dinner at least once a month

Gym

• Go to the gym at least four times a week
• See a personal trainer every fortnight
• Run the Bridge to Brisbane next year (the WHOLE thing)

Pole

• Join back up and go every week
• Improve my flexibility -do the splits by the end of 2012
• Have fun!

Try new things

• Do things that make me uncomfortable and step out of my comfort zone more often. E.g. trying new classes
• Learn to curl my hair and do makeup with brushes
• Speak up, look silly, not be so bothered by what other people think

Creativity

• Keep learning crochet, make a blanket for winter and make at least six amigurumi by the end of 2012
• Save up for and do a cake decorating class
• Blog at least once a week

Career

• Get involved in volunteering for a psychology related organisation
• Apply for career related jobs – even ones I have no chance of getting
• Join the APS

Organisation

• Make and keep a budget of where all my money goes. Do monthly reviews of what it’s all been spent on
• Learn to manage my time more effectively
• Save money to go travelling next summer