Sometimes, all you need to be truly happy is a comfortable chair, a nice breeze, a good book and a cat or two. That is my day today.
My heart has been hurting more lately. There are so many memories of him and us from this time last year. Christmas at his parents. My first Christmas away from my mum. Meeting his extended family. Making a gingerbread house with his sister. Being part of it, feeling like this family would be my family too. Driving in the pouring rain with his brother in law and sister to get to his parents house, the kind of rain that’s so heavy you can’t see anything even with the windscreen wipers on as fast as they go. Being scared but trusting his confidence and skill and knowing he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. Knowing that soon, we’d be living together, it would all be falling into place, my forever was here and this was it for me. My life was set and I was happy with him and it was right.
In hindsight, I know now he started pulling away then. It changed and I think slowly, he started to feel he wasn’t ready, I wasn’t what he wanted, and it would only be a few short months before he shattered my heart.
The memories of him and us have been swimming in my head. They force themselves in and my heart hurts for what was, that it’s now so different and I’m back in a place of uncertainty, who will share my future, will I find it again? My heart hurts because he feels nothing for me, he wants my friendship, but that’s it. That yeah, I’m alright but I’m not the best, not the one he wants forever, that he couldn’t bear to not have in his life.
It just hurts and I miss what it was, that special feeling and knowing I am loved and safe and having that someone there.
I know with time it will get better, it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to, and I know I’m not ready to move on, I have far too much to do and discover for myself right now, to grow into myself and be secure, happy and confident. I just wish the process would go faster, that my heart would stop hurting, that I could have that light, free feeling in my chest again, that my memories would leave me alone.
Inspired by this post, here is mine.
Eff yeah list!
- Finished my thesis
- Moved house
- Got myself onto good meds (Pristiq)
- Learnt how to make good coffee and got employee of the month in November
- Survived the most devastating and unexpected breakup of my life
- Slowly discovering that being single doesn’t completely suck and isn’t all that bad
My word for 2012 is confidence. I want and need to be more confident and assured in all that I do. I need to be confident I am a good person and that I deserve happiness and to explore what makes me happy, and have the confidence to do so. I need to be confident in who I am and what I stand for, and figure out those things on my own, rather than as part of a couple. I want to be confident being on my own. I’ll be starting to look for a “real job” next year as I just graduated, and confidence is a big selling point in getting a job. No one will hire me if I don’t believe in myself.
- Make more friends
- Improve the relationships I have
- Be kind and open to people
- Reconnect with my cousins, aunts, uncles
- Maintain the good relationships I have with my mum and brother
- Become better friends with my brother’s girlfriend
- Cook at least four times a week
- Try at least two new recipes a month
- Go out to dinner at least once a month
- Go to the gym at least four times a week
- See a personal trainer every fortnight
- Run the Bridge to Brisbane next year (the WHOLE thing)
- Join back up and go every week
- Improve my flexibility -do the splits by the end of 2012
- Have fun!
Try new things
- Do things that make me uncomfortable and step out of my comfort zone more often. E.g. trying new classes
- Learn to curl my hair and do makeup with brushes
- Speak up, look silly, not be so bothered by what other people think
- Keep learning crochet, make a blanket for winter and make at least six amigurumi by the end of 2012
- Save up for and do a cake decorating class
- Blog at least once a week
- Get involved in volunteering for a psychology related organisation
- Apply for career related jobs – even ones I have no chance of getting
- Join the APS
- Make and keep a budget of where all my money goes. Do monthly reviews of what it’s all been spent on
- Learn to manage my time more effectively
- Save money to go travelling next summer
I finished my thesis and honours.
I have been working a lot. I have learnt so much in the last month or so. I can make good coffee.
I moved house, on my own.
I joined the gym. I’ve been going to group classes. Doing weights and going on the treadmill.
Started to learn how to crochet. Slowly learning how to make amigurumi.
Switched off Dopthep and went on Pristiq. It has saved my life. I ran out and didn’t have it for two days, and all this week at work my boss and coworkers have noticed the difference they’ve made in me, and that it has taken all week for me to bounce back.
I have been trying new things. New food, new clothes, new attitude. I am doing things that scare me, I am trying to put myself out there, I am trying to make new friends.
Trying to take care of myself. Trying to be kind to myself. Planning all the things I want to do. I found a place to join for pole again next year. I want to take a cake decorating class. I want to get fit and strong and run a short marathon next year. I want to be healthy and I want to be happy, and I am exploring and learning what I want and what fulfils me.
I’m finding my courage and bravery and confidence, and I am trying to remind myself of all my recent achievements. I am a good person and I can do good things and I am capable, and it is okay to feel bad sometimes, just let it pass. Mistakes are oka, just learn from it and try not to do the same thing again. Learning to be kind to yourself is one of the hardest things you can do, because it’s when you feel the worst about yourself you need to be nice.
I am trying and I am doing and I will get there and everything is okay, and it will be good.