My heart has been hurting more lately. There are so many memories of him and us from this time last year. Christmas at his parents. My first Christmas away from my mum. Meeting his extended family. Making a gingerbread house with his sister. Being part of it, feeling like this family would be my family too. Driving in the pouring rain with his brother in law and sister to get to his parents house, the kind of rain that’s so heavy you can’t see anything even with the windscreen wipers on as fast as they go. Being scared but trusting his confidence and skill and knowing he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. Knowing that soon, we’d be living together, it would all be falling into place, my forever was here and this was it for me. My life was set and I was happy with him and it was right.
In hindsight, I know now he started pulling away then. It changed and I think slowly, he started to feel he wasn’t ready, I wasn’t what he wanted, and it would only be a few short months before he shattered my heart.
The memories of him and us have been swimming in my head. They force themselves in and my heart hurts for what was, that it’s now so different and I’m back in a place of uncertainty, who will share my future, will I find it again? My heart hurts because he feels nothing for me, he wants my friendship, but that’s it. That yeah, I’m alright but I’m not the best, not the one he wants forever, that he couldn’t bear to not have in his life.
It just hurts and I miss what it was, that special feeling and knowing I am loved and safe and having that someone there.
I know with time it will get better, it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to, and I know I’m not ready to move on, I have far too much to do and discover for myself right now, to grow into myself and be secure, happy and confident. I just wish the process would go faster, that my heart would stop hurting, that I could have that light, free feeling in my chest again, that my memories would leave me alone.