Monthly Archives: April 2012

Confession time

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There’s always those things you enjoy doing that are really gross but give you a lot of satisfaction. Here are some of mine.

  • blowing my nose really hard when I’m sick and getting a full tissue.
  • then looking at it.
  • popping pimples. Probably on everyone’s lists.
  • cleaning something really dirty and seeing the shiny result. Like bleaching things.
  • picking at scabs.
  • a really good vacating of the insides, if you know what I mean.
  • bending my elbows really far forward. It freaks people out and makes my arms look dislocated.
  • cleaning out my ears and getting a good result.
  • peeing in the shower and pretending I’m a boy and can aim it.

I may be a bit of a freak. Anyone else?

Currently going on in my life

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Currently reading – book 2 of Game of Thrones. So damn good.
Currently eating – less carbs, more iron, more veggies.
Currently drinking – earl grey tea.
Currently lusting after – Dior Show New Look. MAC eyeshadows and eyeliners.
Currently missing – cuddles and protein powder.
Currently watching – my short funny shows. 30 Rock, Community, Parks and Recreation, New Girl.
Currently loving – getting back into my gym routine. The potential that surrounds me in my house and my future.
Currently hating – the sinus/chest thing I’ve got going on. Difficult boys. Having no stuff in my house and a lack of direction in my life.
Currently stressing – money. Need more than what’s coming in lately. Feel like my bank account is haemorrhaging.
Currently enjoying – house to myself, dead silence except for the wind outside. Not too cold yet and enjoying a peaceful day where I didn’t have to leave the house.

Instinct

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There are three instincts – your head, your heart and your gut.

Your head tells you what is logical, what you should be doing, the most practical and safest option, the one that is geared towards protecting you and maximising your stability.

Your heart, it’s that part that makes you love someone, who’ll continue to pursue something well after it stops being worth it, that part of you that makes excuses for someones bad behaviour. The part of you full of passion, that wants only the greatest story, to be big, to shine bright. Your heart instinct is the most pure and the most hurtful part of you. If you listen to your heart, you can get great things, but you can also bring great pain on yourself.

Your gut instinct is that little voice that gets so often ignored. That imprecise feeling of something being off, something being not quite right but you don’t know why. It is the keeper of red flags to wave at you, those red flags that your heart will so often ignore. Your gut also tells you what’s right. That feeling of something being how it should, that you are where you belong. You often can’t explain it, it just feels right. Or wrong.

My heart instinct is too strong. I want too much to be loved, I’m forgetting myself along the way, and the other ways I can fill my heart. My recent thing with a boy shows just how much my heart instinct is off, I ignored my gut instinct telling me something was off, and then I got hurt. And in hindsight I can see the flags, I can see how it all fits. His reasons, his plans, his future, those flags are all waving in hindsight. Some things, I mentioned to him, and he provided adequate reasoning. My head has been too quiet. My life is just quietly going on, still working at the same job, not bringing as much vibrancy and extra to my life as I should be. It’s lost in the details and drudgery of day to day, I’m not thinking as big as I should.

The lesson I have learnt this month is to listen to my gut instinct. It will save me heartache, it will take care of me and between my gut and my head, I should be able to get back on track. My heart needs to shut down for a while, to stop being focussed on gaining love from someone else, to empty out and be refilled with my own passions, my own desires and not the love and desire of and for another person. I am better than that and I deserve more from my life.