Category Archives: Difficulty

Instinct

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There are three instincts – your head, your heart and your gut.

Your head tells you what is logical, what you should be doing, the most practical and safest option, the one that is geared towards protecting you and maximising your stability.

Your heart, it’s that part that makes you love someone, who’ll continue to pursue something well after it stops being worth it, that part of you that makes excuses for someones bad behaviour. The part of you full of passion, that wants only the greatest story, to be big, to shine bright. Your heart instinct is the most pure and the most hurtful part of you. If you listen to your heart, you can get great things, but you can also bring great pain on yourself.

Your gut instinct is that little voice that gets so often ignored. That imprecise feeling of something being off, something being not quite right but you don’t know why. It is the keeper of red flags to wave at you, those red flags that your heart will so often ignore. Your gut also tells you what’s right. That feeling of something being how it should, that you are where you belong. You often can’t explain it, it just feels right. Or wrong.

My heart instinct is too strong. I want too much to be loved, I’m forgetting myself along the way, and the other ways I can fill my heart. My recent thing with a boy shows just how much my heart instinct is off, I ignored my gut instinct telling me something was off, and then I got hurt. And in hindsight I can see the flags, I can see how it all fits. His reasons, his plans, his future, those flags are all waving in hindsight. Some things, I mentioned to him, and he provided adequate reasoning. My head has been too quiet. My life is just quietly going on, still working at the same job, not bringing as much vibrancy and extra to my life as I should be. It’s lost in the details and drudgery of day to day, I’m not thinking as big as I should.

The lesson I have learnt this month is to listen to my gut instinct. It will save me heartache, it will take care of me and between my gut and my head, I should be able to get back on track. My heart needs to shut down for a while, to stop being focussed on gaining love from someone else, to empty out and be refilled with my own passions, my own desires and not the love and desire of and for another person. I am better than that and I deserve more from my life.

 

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Thoughts

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I have been working a lot. Working out a lot. Went on a date with a boy. Met another boy over the weekend. Waiting for a text or a call.

Something has been feeling off. My stress levels are high, I don’t feel at ease and I can’t place what it’s from. I’m thinking maybe work and job hunting. Because my work is closing for refurbishment soon, I need to find a new job, and I don’t want to move on to another hospitality/retail job. I want to start my career but I’m having very little luck so far. And work ethic/care is low at work. Most have become quite lazy, wasting time and mucking around. I am still giving my best, and I find it difficult to work alongside people who I value as friends, but aren’t putting any effort into their job. And there is nothing I can do about it. I guess I’m experiencing a sense of powerlessness in my life at the moment. I’ll find another barista job very easily, but I don’t want to keep doing that.

In a month or so, I’ll be changing my hair colour. Redder. Warm for winter.

I’ve been cooking more. I feel better and have better workouts when I put good fuel in my body. I’ve lost centimetres off everywhere. Gaining muscle, so my weight is at the higher end of its normal variations, which can be difficult to wrap my head around. I’ve always had these numbers in my head of what is acceptable for my body, if I am 50kg or under I am skinny and that is good, and over 50kg is bad. And I’m about 53kg now. but my measurements are probably closer to what I would have been at 48kg.

I will do a progress update of my 2012 goals every three months. So at the end of March I’ll do a recap of that.

Balance seems to be difficult to achieve lately. But all I can do is to keep trying, and keep doing things that enrich my life and my person and hopefully, things will settle down and I will have a greater sense of peace again.

Memories

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My heart has been hurting more lately. There are so many memories of him and us from this time last year. Christmas at his parents. My first Christmas away from my mum. Meeting his extended family. Making a gingerbread house with his sister. Being part of it, feeling like this family would be my family too. Driving in the pouring rain with his brother in law and sister to get to his parents house, the kind of rain that’s so heavy you can’t see anything even with the windscreen wipers on as fast as they go. Being scared but trusting his confidence and skill and knowing he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. Knowing that soon, we’d be living together, it would all be falling into place, my forever was here and this was it for me. My life was set and I was happy with him and it was right.

In hindsight, I know now he started pulling away then. It changed and I think slowly, he started to feel he wasn’t ready, I wasn’t what he wanted, and it would only be a few short months before he shattered my heart.

The memories of him and us have been swimming in my head. They force themselves in and my heart hurts for what was, that it’s now so different and I’m back in a place of uncertainty, who will share my future, will I find it again? My heart hurts because he feels nothing for me, he wants my friendship, but that’s it. That yeah, I’m alright but I’m not the best, not the one he wants forever, that he couldn’t bear to not have in his life.

It just hurts and I miss what it was, that special feeling and knowing I am loved and safe and having that someone there.

I know with time it will get better, it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to, and I know I’m not ready to move on, I have far too much to do and discover for myself right now, to grow into myself and be secure, happy and confident. I just wish the process would go faster, that my heart would stop hurting, that I could have that light, free feeling in my chest again, that my memories would leave me alone.

Stuck

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I pole dance for fitness. I started last year in a casual class learning some basic tricks and began to work on getting upside down. I loved it. It made me feel strong and I could see my progress as my tricks began to get smoother and prettier. After Christmas and New years, that studio closed down, and I moved interstate and couldn’t afford to go to classes for a few months. After getting my money under control, I joined a new studio. The studio I go to is very fitness based – on their website, many of the pictures include the instructors wearing joggers. It’s not about being sexy for men, or being trashy. It’s about getting fit, feeling good about yourself and having a lot of fun.

I don’t like exercise that feels like work. With pole, your improvements are far more noticeable – finally getting that trick you’ve been stuck on, the first time you manage to get upside down, you can see yourself getting better in a more obvious way than lifting more on the weight machines, running for those few seconds longer on the treadmill. You use your whole body, your own weight builds your strength, and as an added bonus, there isn’t anything better fitness wise for preventing tuckshop lady arms, or bingo wings. I like the challenge it gives me for my whole body. Strength, flexibility, coordination, confidence and it’s just plain fun. Think of how much fun you had as a little kid playing on the monkey bars. It’s like that, but for grown ups.

Once you get your basic strength, a lot of pole is mental.

This week, I’ve been stuck on a trick. I went in to practice last night for half an hour or so, as long as I could manage before my hand started to feel like it was getting blisters. I felt like I made no progress with it. I can’t get the speed with it, I end up too close to the pole and I slide down too far, too fast. Pantera Blacksmith, a  famous pole dancer, came to my pole studio a few weeks ago and said to practice tricks on both arms, so you don’t end up with one very strong arm, or butt cheek, and one weak arm and one saggy butt cheek. This trick, I can do on my left. On my weaker arm. Not as perfectly or as fast as I’d like, but I can do it. But on my right, my strong side, as well as being the direction for the routine my class is doing, I’m sloppy and weak. It is so frustrating to hit a wall like this. I know I can do it. I can do it going the opposite direction. Which makes it all the more difficult to understand what I need to do to get it right. But I know I can do it. It will click and once I get it the first time, it will work every time after that.

I’ll be going back to practice again on Tuesday. Go over the routine a few times with the instructor, then keep working on that spin. Hopefully I manage to get past that mental block that is preventing me from being able to do the spin on the right. It’s not as though I can’t do it, my left is decent, I’m not lacking the strength or flexibility for it.

And when I get it, I’ll be overjoyed. Everything will fall into place and the mental block will be gone. I won’t be stuck on this trick anymore, and I can move on to the next challenge.