Category Archives: Relationships

Instinct

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There are three instincts – your head, your heart and your gut.

Your head tells you what is logical, what you should be doing, the most practical and safest option, the one that is geared towards protecting you and maximising your stability.

Your heart, it’s that part that makes you love someone, who’ll continue to pursue something well after it stops being worth it, that part of you that makes excuses for someones bad behaviour. The part of you full of passion, that wants only the greatest story, to be big, to shine bright. Your heart instinct is the most pure and the most hurtful part of you. If you listen to your heart, you can get great things, but you can also bring great pain on yourself.

Your gut instinct is that little voice that gets so often ignored. That imprecise feeling of something being off, something being not quite right but you don’t know why. It is the keeper of red flags to wave at you, those red flags that your heart will so often ignore. Your gut also tells you what’s right. That feeling of something being how it should, that you are where you belong. You often can’t explain it, it just feels right. Or wrong.

My heart instinct is too strong. I want too much to be loved, I’m forgetting myself along the way, and the other ways I can fill my heart. My recent thing with a boy shows just how much my heart instinct is off, I ignored my gut instinct telling me something was off, and then I got hurt. And in hindsight I can see the flags, I can see how it all fits. His reasons, his plans, his future, those flags are all waving in hindsight. Some things, I mentioned to him, and he provided adequate reasoning. My head has been too quiet. My life is just quietly going on, still working at the same job, not bringing as much vibrancy and extra to my life as I should be. It’s lost in the details and drudgery of day to day, I’m not thinking as big as I should.

The lesson I have learnt this month is to listen to my gut instinct. It will save me heartache, it will take care of me and between my gut and my head, I should be able to get back on track. My heart needs to shut down for a while, to stop being focussed on gaining love from someone else, to empty out and be refilled with my own passions, my own desires and not the love and desire of and for another person. I am better than that and I deserve more from my life.

 

Memories

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My heart has been hurting more lately. There are so many memories of him and us from this time last year. Christmas at his parents. My first Christmas away from my mum. Meeting his extended family. Making a gingerbread house with his sister. Being part of it, feeling like this family would be my family too. Driving in the pouring rain with his brother in law and sister to get to his parents house, the kind of rain that’s so heavy you can’t see anything even with the windscreen wipers on as fast as they go. Being scared but trusting his confidence and skill and knowing he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. Knowing that soon, we’d be living together, it would all be falling into place, my forever was here and this was it for me. My life was set and I was happy with him and it was right.

In hindsight, I know now he started pulling away then. It changed and I think slowly, he started to feel he wasn’t ready, I wasn’t what he wanted, and it would only be a few short months before he shattered my heart.

The memories of him and us have been swimming in my head. They force themselves in and my heart hurts for what was, that it’s now so different and I’m back in a place of uncertainty, who will share my future, will I find it again? My heart hurts because he feels nothing for me, he wants my friendship, but that’s it. That yeah, I’m alright but I’m not the best, not the one he wants forever, that he couldn’t bear to not have in his life.

It just hurts and I miss what it was, that special feeling and knowing I am loved and safe and having that someone there.

I know with time it will get better, it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to, and I know I’m not ready to move on, I have far too much to do and discover for myself right now, to grow into myself and be secure, happy and confident. I just wish the process would go faster, that my heart would stop hurting, that I could have that light, free feeling in my chest again, that my memories would leave me alone.

It’s not about the lamp

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I want a lamp. A perfect lamp that will fit with my furniture, my furniture I am yet to buy, furniture still on the sky high shelves of Ikea. I wander around shops that sell home wares, a collection of cushions with sequins and incense and entirely too much wicker on everything, I keep searching for this perfect lamp. I scour the Ikea website, maybe one of these will be it. A perfect, fitting lamp.

If I find this lamp, my life will be perfect.

But it won’t really. There will be the next “if I have X, my life will be perfect.”

A couple of months ago, if I got a leather jacket, my life would be perfect. Not long before the breakup. And then, I was suddenly, devastatingly single. I got the jacket. My life wasn’t perfect. I promised the universe I’d give the perfect jacket back to have the perfect of him in my life. I’m still waiting for things to sort out. He is an overarching, “if I have him, my life will be perfect”. But I know, deep down, that’s not true.

If I have him, my life won’t be perfect. If I have the lamp, my life won’t be perfect.

There is no perfect. The lamp is the outlet. Something achievable. I may not get him, but I can get the lamp. If I find this lamp, for a brief period of time, things will be okay.

It’s not about the lamp. It’s about having something, anything to hold on to, that will keep me going. The chase of what will make me happy.

The pursuit of lamp.