Category Archives: Struggle

Thoughts

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I have been working a lot. Working out a lot. Went on a date with a boy. Met another boy over the weekend. Waiting for a text or a call.

Something has been feeling off. My stress levels are high, I don’t feel at ease and I can’t place what it’s from. I’m thinking maybe work and job hunting. Because my work is closing for refurbishment soon, I need to find a new job, and I don’t want to move on to another hospitality/retail job. I want to start my career but I’m having very little luck so far. And work ethic/care is low at work. Most have become quite lazy, wasting time and mucking around. I am still giving my best, and I find it difficult to work alongside people who I value as friends, but aren’t putting any effort into their job. And there is nothing I can do about it. I guess I’m experiencing a sense of powerlessness in my life at the moment. I’ll find another barista job very easily, but I don’t want to keep doing that.

In a month or so, I’ll be changing my hair colour. Redder. Warm for winter.

I’ve been cooking more. I feel better and have better workouts when I put good fuel in my body. I’ve lost centimetres off everywhere. Gaining muscle, so my weight is at the higher end of its normal variations, which can be difficult to wrap my head around. I’ve always had these numbers in my head of what is acceptable for my body, if I am 50kg or under I am skinny and that is good, and over 50kg is bad. And I’m about 53kg now. but my measurements are probably closer to what I would have been at 48kg.

I will do a progress update of my 2012 goals every three months. So at the end of March I’ll do a recap of that.

Balance seems to be difficult to achieve lately. But all I can do is to keep trying, and keep doing things that enrich my life and my person and hopefully, things will settle down and I will have a greater sense of peace again.

It’s not about the lamp

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I want a lamp. A perfect lamp that will fit with my furniture, my furniture I am yet to buy, furniture still on the sky high shelves of Ikea. I wander around shops that sell home wares, a collection of cushions with sequins and incense and entirely too much wicker on everything, I keep searching for this perfect lamp. I scour the Ikea website, maybe one of these will be it. A perfect, fitting lamp.

If I find this lamp, my life will be perfect.

But it won’t really. There will be the next “if I have X, my life will be perfect.”

A couple of months ago, if I got a leather jacket, my life would be perfect. Not long before the breakup. And then, I was suddenly, devastatingly single. I got the jacket. My life wasn’t perfect. I promised the universe I’d give the perfect jacket back to have the perfect of him in my life. I’m still waiting for things to sort out. He is an overarching, “if I have him, my life will be perfect”. But I know, deep down, that’s not true.

If I have him, my life won’t be perfect. If I have the lamp, my life won’t be perfect.

There is no perfect. The lamp is the outlet. Something achievable. I may not get him, but I can get the lamp. If I find this lamp, for a brief period of time, things will be okay.

It’s not about the lamp. It’s about having something, anything to hold on to, that will keep me going. The chase of what will make me happy.

The pursuit of lamp.