Every time you leave, a part of me goes with you. I don’t think I will ever get what I want, but I can’t give up. This hurt is easier than letting go. I love you, still.
I miss you so much it hurts.
There are three instincts – your head, your heart and your gut.
Your head tells you what is logical, what you should be doing, the most practical and safest option, the one that is geared towards protecting you and maximising your stability.
Your heart, it’s that part that makes you love someone, who’ll continue to pursue something well after it stops being worth it, that part of you that makes excuses for someones bad behaviour. The part of you full of passion, that wants only the greatest story, to be big, to shine bright. Your heart instinct is the most pure and the most hurtful part of you. If you listen to your heart, you can get great things, but you can also bring great pain on yourself.
Your gut instinct is that little voice that gets so often ignored. That imprecise feeling of something being off, something being not quite right but you don’t know why. It is the keeper of red flags to wave at you, those red flags that your heart will so often ignore. Your gut also tells you what’s right. That feeling of something being how it should, that you are where you belong. You often can’t explain it, it just feels right. Or wrong.
My heart instinct is too strong. I want too much to be loved, I’m forgetting myself along the way, and the other ways I can fill my heart. My recent thing with a boy shows just how much my heart instinct is off, I ignored my gut instinct telling me something was off, and then I got hurt. And in hindsight I can see the flags, I can see how it all fits. His reasons, his plans, his future, those flags are all waving in hindsight. Some things, I mentioned to him, and he provided adequate reasoning. My head has been too quiet. My life is just quietly going on, still working at the same job, not bringing as much vibrancy and extra to my life as I should be. It’s lost in the details and drudgery of day to day, I’m not thinking as big as I should.
The lesson I have learnt this month is to listen to my gut instinct. It will save me heartache, it will take care of me and between my gut and my head, I should be able to get back on track. My heart needs to shut down for a while, to stop being focussed on gaining love from someone else, to empty out and be refilled with my own passions, my own desires and not the love and desire of and for another person. I am better than that and I deserve more from my life.
This is me and will be a place for all my things, hopefully a lot of good and not so much bad.
I like a lot of things.
I’m pushing myself to be something more than I am. Reinvention progress.
When life pushes you in the deep end, you have to swim and be a mermaid. Don’t drown.