Sometimes, all you need to be truly happy is a comfortable chair, a nice breeze, a good book and a cat or two. That is my day today.
My heart has been hurting more lately. There are so many memories of him and us from this time last year. Christmas at his parents. My first Christmas away from my mum. Meeting his extended family. Making a gingerbread house with his sister. Being part of it, feeling like this family would be my family too. Driving in the pouring rain with his brother in law and sister to get to his parents house, the kind of rain that’s so heavy you can’t see anything even with the windscreen wipers on as fast as they go. Being scared but trusting his confidence and skill and knowing he wouldn’t let anything bad happen to me. Knowing that soon, we’d be living together, it would all be falling into place, my forever was here and this was it for me. My life was set and I was happy with him and it was right.
In hindsight, I know now he started pulling away then. It changed and I think slowly, he started to feel he wasn’t ready, I wasn’t what he wanted, and it would only be a few short months before he shattered my heart.
The memories of him and us have been swimming in my head. They force themselves in and my heart hurts for what was, that it’s now so different and I’m back in a place of uncertainty, who will share my future, will I find it again? My heart hurts because he feels nothing for me, he wants my friendship, but that’s it. That yeah, I’m alright but I’m not the best, not the one he wants forever, that he couldn’t bear to not have in his life.
It just hurts and I miss what it was, that special feeling and knowing I am loved and safe and having that someone there.
I know with time it will get better, it doesn’t hurt as much as it used to, and I know I’m not ready to move on, I have far too much to do and discover for myself right now, to grow into myself and be secure, happy and confident. I just wish the process would go faster, that my heart would stop hurting, that I could have that light, free feeling in my chest again, that my memories would leave me alone.
Inspired by this post, here is mine.
Eff yeah list!
- Finished my thesis
- Moved house
- Got myself onto good meds (Pristiq)
- Learnt how to make good coffee and got employee of the month in November
- Survived the most devastating and unexpected breakup of my life
- Slowly discovering that being single doesn’t completely suck and isn’t all that bad
My word for 2012 is confidence. I want and need to be more confident and assured in all that I do. I need to be confident I am a good person and that I deserve happiness and to explore what makes me happy, and have the confidence to do so. I need to be confident in who I am and what I stand for, and figure out those things on my own, rather than as part of a couple. I want to be confident being on my own. I’ll be starting to look for a “real job” next year as I just graduated, and confidence is a big selling point in getting a job. No one will hire me if I don’t believe in myself.
- Make more friends
- Improve the relationships I have
- Be kind and open to people
- Reconnect with my cousins, aunts, uncles
- Maintain the good relationships I have with my mum and brother
- Become better friends with my brother’s girlfriend
- Cook at least four times a week
- Try at least two new recipes a month
- Go out to dinner at least once a month
- Go to the gym at least four times a week
- See a personal trainer every fortnight
- Run the Bridge to Brisbane next year (the WHOLE thing)
- Join back up and go every week
- Improve my flexibility -do the splits by the end of 2012
- Have fun!
Try new things
- Do things that make me uncomfortable and step out of my comfort zone more often. E.g. trying new classes
- Learn to curl my hair and do makeup with brushes
- Speak up, look silly, not be so bothered by what other people think
- Keep learning crochet, make a blanket for winter and make at least six amigurumi by the end of 2012
- Save up for and do a cake decorating class
- Blog at least once a week
- Get involved in volunteering for a psychology related organisation
- Apply for career related jobs – even ones I have no chance of getting
- Join the APS
- Make and keep a budget of where all my money goes. Do monthly reviews of what it’s all been spent on
- Learn to manage my time more effectively
- Save money to go travelling next summer
I finished my thesis and honours.
I have been working a lot. I have learnt so much in the last month or so. I can make good coffee.
I moved house, on my own.
I joined the gym. I’ve been going to group classes. Doing weights and going on the treadmill.
Started to learn how to crochet. Slowly learning how to make amigurumi.
Switched off Dopthep and went on Pristiq. It has saved my life. I ran out and didn’t have it for two days, and all this week at work my boss and coworkers have noticed the difference they’ve made in me, and that it has taken all week for me to bounce back.
I have been trying new things. New food, new clothes, new attitude. I am doing things that scare me, I am trying to put myself out there, I am trying to make new friends.
Trying to take care of myself. Trying to be kind to myself. Planning all the things I want to do. I found a place to join for pole again next year. I want to take a cake decorating class. I want to get fit and strong and run a short marathon next year. I want to be healthy and I want to be happy, and I am exploring and learning what I want and what fulfils me.
I’m finding my courage and bravery and confidence, and I am trying to remind myself of all my recent achievements. I am a good person and I can do good things and I am capable, and it is okay to feel bad sometimes, just let it pass. Mistakes are oka, just learn from it and try not to do the same thing again. Learning to be kind to yourself is one of the hardest things you can do, because it’s when you feel the worst about yourself you need to be nice.
I am trying and I am doing and I will get there and everything is okay, and it will be good.
I want a lamp. A perfect lamp that will fit with my furniture, my furniture I am yet to buy, furniture still on the sky high shelves of Ikea. I wander around shops that sell home wares, a collection of cushions with sequins and incense and entirely too much wicker on everything, I keep searching for this perfect lamp. I scour the Ikea website, maybe one of these will be it. A perfect, fitting lamp.
If I find this lamp, my life will be perfect.
But it won’t really. There will be the next “if I have X, my life will be perfect.”
A couple of months ago, if I got a leather jacket, my life would be perfect. Not long before the breakup. And then, I was suddenly, devastatingly single. I got the jacket. My life wasn’t perfect. I promised the universe I’d give the perfect jacket back to have the perfect of him in my life. I’m still waiting for things to sort out. He is an overarching, “if I have him, my life will be perfect”. But I know, deep down, that’s not true.
If I have him, my life won’t be perfect. If I have the lamp, my life won’t be perfect.
There is no perfect. The lamp is the outlet. Something achievable. I may not get him, but I can get the lamp. If I find this lamp, for a brief period of time, things will be okay.
It’s not about the lamp. It’s about having something, anything to hold on to, that will keep me going. The chase of what will make me happy.
The pursuit of lamp.
I pole dance for fitness. I started last year in a casual class learning some basic tricks and began to work on getting upside down. I loved it. It made me feel strong and I could see my progress as my tricks began to get smoother and prettier. After Christmas and New years, that studio closed down, and I moved interstate and couldn’t afford to go to classes for a few months. After getting my money under control, I joined a new studio. The studio I go to is very fitness based – on their website, many of the pictures include the instructors wearing joggers. It’s not about being sexy for men, or being trashy. It’s about getting fit, feeling good about yourself and having a lot of fun.
I don’t like exercise that feels like work. With pole, your improvements are far more noticeable – finally getting that trick you’ve been stuck on, the first time you manage to get upside down, you can see yourself getting better in a more obvious way than lifting more on the weight machines, running for those few seconds longer on the treadmill. You use your whole body, your own weight builds your strength, and as an added bonus, there isn’t anything better fitness wise for preventing tuckshop lady arms, or bingo wings. I like the challenge it gives me for my whole body. Strength, flexibility, coordination, confidence and it’s just plain fun. Think of how much fun you had as a little kid playing on the monkey bars. It’s like that, but for grown ups.
Once you get your basic strength, a lot of pole is mental.
This week, I’ve been stuck on a trick. I went in to practice last night for half an hour or so, as long as I could manage before my hand started to feel like it was getting blisters. I felt like I made no progress with it. I can’t get the speed with it, I end up too close to the pole and I slide down too far, too fast. Pantera Blacksmith, a famous pole dancer, came to my pole studio a few weeks ago and said to practice tricks on both arms, so you don’t end up with one very strong arm, or butt cheek, and one weak arm and one saggy butt cheek. This trick, I can do on my left. On my weaker arm. Not as perfectly or as fast as I’d like, but I can do it. But on my right, my strong side, as well as being the direction for the routine my class is doing, I’m sloppy and weak. It is so frustrating to hit a wall like this. I know I can do it. I can do it going the opposite direction. Which makes it all the more difficult to understand what I need to do to get it right. But I know I can do it. It will click and once I get it the first time, it will work every time after that.
I’ll be going back to practice again on Tuesday. Go over the routine a few times with the instructor, then keep working on that spin. Hopefully I manage to get past that mental block that is preventing me from being able to do the spin on the right. It’s not as though I can’t do it, my left is decent, I’m not lacking the strength or flexibility for it.
And when I get it, I’ll be overjoyed. Everything will fall into place and the mental block will be gone. I won’t be stuck on this trick anymore, and I can move on to the next challenge.
Immediately after deciding to start a blog, within the next day or so, I got ridiculously sick. I’ve hardly eaten for a week. I’ve been on antibiotics twice this month, it’s somewhat ridiculous. Therefore, last night I decided to make myself some healthy fried rice. Emphasis on the healthy and a lot less of the fried in cooking it. A quick look on recipe sites for common ingredients, a chat to my brother about what his girlfriend puts in hers, and off I went to the shops for the extra vegetables. I came home with shallots, capsicum, soy sauce and a pack of mini meat pies in case it was a spectacular disaster.
I decided not to follow a recipe, just wing it and hope for the best. It turned out amazingly delicious, and very filling. I forgot to take a picture at dinner, so here it is in a container for lunch at work today.
Healthy fried rice
Two cups brown rice, uncooked
Two to three cloves garlic
Teaspoon-ish of ginger
One small onion
Four rashers short cut bacon
One small carrot
One fifth of a capsicum
Roughly ½ to 1 cup frozen peas and corn
One leaf stick thing of shallots
1. Start cooking the brown rice in a rice cooker with the appropriate amount of water. While it cooks, you prepare/cook everything else. Brown rice takes ages.
2. Spray some cooking oil into a large frying pan, on a medium heat, be a little generous, it’s all the oil you’ll be using. This is healthy you know!
3. Peel the onion, carrot, garlic and ginger. Crush or dice the garlic and ginger, and start cooking it in the frypan. Dice the onion, and put this in to cook as well. In between chopping, stir your pan occassionally to make sure everything doesn’t burn and stays nice. Cut the carrot however you like, I just did ordinary slices of circle shapes.
4. Dice the bacon, I stacked mine up and cut them all at once. When the onion is reasonably soft, add the bacon and stir to get the flavours mixing together. Put the carrots on to start cooking in a small saucepan.
5. Dice your capsicum and chop up your shallots. They get to sit on the chopping board until the rice has cooked.Keep an eye on the carrots and when they’re just cooked, drain them. You don’t want them too soft because they’ll still cook a little more in the pan.
6. When the rice is cooked, scoop it all into the frying pan. Stir the bacon/garlic/ginger/onion through the rice. When this is done, add the frozen peas and corn and stir through as well. When they warm up, add the capsicum and carrot. Pour some soy sauce over the whole mixture, I didn’t use measurements so I’d guess a couple of tablespoons? Stir that through and add more for taste if you need it.
7. The shallot goes in right at the end, so keep mixing and stirring your rice. Eat a pea every now and then to test if it’s ready or not. When the peas are cooked, you’re good to go. Add the shallots, stir them through, and in the stirring process thats enough time for them to cook. Once it’s all stirred through, it’s ready to serve and eat!
This makes about 3-4 bowls worth of rice, and you can just eat the rice as a meal. I did last night! I’m thinking about adding some chicken next time for extra protein, perhaps a little sweet chili sauce or other sauces for flavour. Either way, it was delicious and I’ll definitely make this again.